Kicking and screaming through it

Blowing off boundaries and paying for it

It happened again. My therapist smacked me upside the head with the truth.

I’ve been struggling over the last couple of weeks and, yet again, my therapist used stern-but-caring real talk to help me see how my own choices and behaviors were causing a lot of my issues. The call was coming from inside the house — as usual!

I started 2024 with so much personal motivation and professional momentum. I accomplished 2/3 of my big Q1 goals thanks to a dedication to my five sacred habits, a surprising wellspring of focus (backed by a monstrous Notion task calendar), and a fierce protection of my time. I launched my new website and services and relaunched this newsletter with a new look! Hooray!

Goal #3 was a big one: relaunch the CSBC podcast and publish a new episode every week. This was where things fell apart.

Though I have been working on the podcast behind the scenes and have already recorded eps with two guests I’m very excited about, serious life things got in the way. The last six months have been sad, strange, and challenging for my family, and I have needed to show up for others with my time, energy, and physical presence. Over and over I found myself jumping to shift my schedule, cancel things I was excited about, and even hop on a plane to show up when I was needed. I found myself pushing back deadlines, like the podcast relaunch, because there was so much going on and my attention was needed elsewhere.

Sometimes I was asked to do these things. More often, I made these choices all on my own.

When I showed up to therapy this week, I updated my therapist on everything going on, then told her I’ve been feeling mad and anxious about my upcoming frenetic schedule. I also felt powerless to maintain the basic self-care rituals I’m usually so good at. I was a walking id, a bratty child just kicking and screaming my way through it. I don’t remember the last time I felt so childlike and out of control.

“I’m waiting for these feelings to pass because I know it’s the right thing to do,” I told her.

That’s when she schooled me. The truth was perfectly exposed in what I had just said. I was bypassing my own emotions and needs because of some nebulous sense of righteousness and outsize expectations of self. I’d been numbing instead of comforting. My inner child was screaming to be taken care of and I was gruffly telling her to be quiet. She needed to be held. No wonder I’d been feeling like shit.

“Remember that you’re hurting too, Jillian,” she told me. “You deserve the same care that you are giving to others. You deserve it too.”

At this point, she was yelling-pleading with me. I recognized that voice as the one I sometimes use when I am begging loved ones to take better care of themselves.

My eyes filled with tears. All of the times in life I’ve felt the worst are when I abandon myself and betray my own boundaries. And I was doing it again.

I realized for the first time that I’ve been playing into some of the worst stereotypes people perpetrate against freelancers.

Because you don’t have a strict 9-to-5, people can expect you to be free at all hours, or that you can easily shift your schedule to accommodate theirs. I was placing this expectation on myself, putting my work and goals behind the needs of others because mine were “flexible,” switching up my schedule at the drop of a hat.

As a result, I felt overwhelmed by looming travel, strict timetables, and constantly dealing with itineraries. I “had” to abandon my own priorities to make room for other needs. And I had less time to work, which means I’m making less money. My self-abandonment issues cast a long shadow that stretches all the way to my bank account.

I’ve also been playing into shitty stereotypes against single women!

When you’re single, people can assume you have more time and flexibility than they do. You don’t have kids, so you “should” stay in the office later than your coworkers who are parents. You don’t have a partner, so you must have a lot more time to tend to family and friends, right? You’re a woman so you’re nurturing, aren’t you?

I bought right into this one: I’m single so I should be showing up for X, Y, and Z and clearing my schedule to be there. I can do it so I should. The internalized misogyny is real!

Again, no one asked me to do all this! I did it to myself! And that’s where I’m going to course correct, starting today.

No one will take my art seriously unless I do. My work matters, and it can’t happen without plenty of dedicated time and energy. I am the only one who can choose to put my art first. I need to clear my schedule and jump on (metaphorical) planes to go be with my art. When I choose my art, it will always choose me too.

How can I better show up for my art and myself this week?

Five of Cups, reversed
Forgiveness, emotional maturity, recovery