What I learned in a year of Al-Anon

I am not in control.

Jun 17, 2025

Last June, I stepped into my first Al-Anon meeting in Austin. I’d been in these meetings before, as a teenager in LA, then a young adult in New York City. But this time, it finally stuck.

For the unfamiliar, Al-Anon is a 12-step program for family members of alcoholics. But to me, Al-Anon is a place you go to learn to let go of the false belief that you are in control. And I’ve come a long way this year.

At the monthly Birthday Night meeting, everyone who is celebrating their Al-Anon anniversary stands in front of the room to talk about what life was like before Al-Anon, what happened to bring you to Al-Anon, and where you are now. Last night, I told my story along with another first year celebrant, and someone celebrating 19 years.

There are many long-timers in my meeting, and I appreciate their wisdom, and listening to their stories of change. Though I am new here, I too have some wisdom to share.

A gold coin that says "One day at a time" held in the white palm of a left hand — My 1-year chip.

What I learned in a year of Al-Anon

I am not in control of almost anything.

I am entirely in control of me, my actions, and my reactions.

Always investigate yourself first. The second you start blaming someone else, pause and turn that curiosity around to yourself. What part did you play in what happened? What blame can you take? What can you change to change the situation?

Most situations don’t require your action, reaction, or input. An actual emergency is extremely rare. Let people live their lives, and don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for. Consider why you think you know better than them. Always remember: other people aren’t making the decisions you would make because they aren’t you.

Boundaries are life-changing. Boundaries are freedom. Boundaries are authenticity. Boundaries let you live the life you truly want to, with the energy and means to do so. When you teach people how to care for and respect you, they will often learn. And if they do not, it is your turn to change and make new decisions (because they likely never will).

People set boundaries because they want to keep you in their life, not to push you away. When someone sets a boundary with you, it usually doesn’t feel good. But if you can set your ego aside, you will often discover that this person is inviting you to stick around, just in a different (perhaps healthier) way than before. If you ignore the boundary, you may lose them for good — and that will be on you.

Showing up out of obligation never works. If you request something of someone and they don’t show up, you have the right to be upset about that; but don’t push it. Accept and move on. They won’t show up, and no amount of you berating or begging them or holding a deep grudge will change that. And if they do show up out of obligation alone, it will feel awful for everyone involved. Likewise, if your heart is not fully in something, don’t agree to it. When you show up out of duty and dread rather than joy, commitment, and care, you always show your ass.

The future is none of my business.

Change is possible. I can definitely change. Rarely, other people can too — and they just may surprise you.